What #MeToo can teach #NotAllWhiteWomen

I’m fairly active in social media discussions about both sexism and racism. Initially, I was guilty of a fairly popular social media sin– wanting to let others know that I don’t act the same way as the (insert demographic) group being criticized or accused.

In my case, I was a proud member of the “White women who didn’t vote for Donald Trump” club and hell yes, I wanted people to know I wasn’t like those other white women. I didn’t want anyone to think I shared the values of white, female Trump supporters, or to assume I excused the most appalling behavior in a man, let alone a president. While I never used the phrase or hashtag #notallwhitewomen, I confess, I wanted to scream it from the rooftops at times.

Not surprisingly, such inferences invited pushback in the form of “Did you just #notallwhitewomen”? I couldn’t understand why some commenters turned their rage on me — I hadn’t done any of the things they were accusing white women of. Furthermore, if I saw a white woman doing some of the things that have gone viral, I’d be in their faces in a nano-second. Why was everyone so angry at me, for pete’s sake?

And then a guy did the #notallmen thing in a thread about sexual abuse. “Some of us are good guys. You’re generalizing. We aren’t all like that.” My response? While not as vitriolic as some, I suggested that if he wasn’t guilty of abuse, we weren’t talking about him. I think I also somewhat sarcastically assured him that we (the females on the thread) knew that #notallmen abuse women, and that it was insulting to think otherwise. Thank you very much. And then it dawned on me — I was saying the same things to men on these threads, that non-white people had been saying on racism threads.

The penny dropped!

For good measure, I went back over the discussions about race in my head, and replaced the topic with sexism. It worked! Although I couldn’t possibly imagine being anything other than very white, if I replaced the situation with sexism, I could more easily allow others to speak their truth without the questionable benefit of my input. I can’t say that it doesn’t sometimes sting when I read comments about “white women”, and at those times, I say nothing. For me, the first steps of this process involve learning and accepting what non-white people are thinking and feeling.

Although my personal race-discussion journey has just begun (on social media), here, for anyone else who wants to learn how to listen instead of #notall-ing, is the benefit of my dropped penny. (And I strongly recommend author Mikki Kendall’s excellent “Hood Feminism; Notes from the women white feminists forgot.”)

• #Notall-ing puts your ego ahead of the issue being discussed. It’s that simple.
• Instead of being offended or mad that you were tarred with the same brush, be offended or mad at the people (for me, white women) who are giving us all that reputation.
• If you believe you aren’t that person, just listen to the experiences of others and help make everyone not that person.
• Listen, without questioning. As with sexual discrimination, what some have gone through is far beyond your own experience or comprehension, but true nonetheless. Just because you don’t know anyone it’s happened to, doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened.
• The phrase “Men rape women” means that women are typically raped by men. It does NOT mean that all men rape women. Similarly, comments about the treatment of non-white people by white people/women doesn’t mean that all white people do that, it means that people of color receive that treatment (racism) exclusively from whites.
• By saying #notall, you’re dismissing what’s being said and giving yourself permission to opt out of the solution. Opting out = doing nothing, which in turn, props up the system.
• An unwillingness to discuss the issue (in other words, opting out of the solution) could also mean you’re not willing to recognize your own privilege. Get over that; the truth sometimes hurts.
• And it will hurt. If we, as women, are wary of men in general (because we don’t know who the good guys are), why would it be any different for other groups who’ve been on the receiving end of discrimination and worse?

Please note, I have a long way to go here and am in no way patting myself on the back. I have found though, that referring back to how I feel and react when I’m the victim of a power imbalance, helps me keep my mouth shut and my ears open when others talk about the same.